The Benefits of Separating Forgiveness from Trust

There's a saying: "Hurt people hurt people." When someone causes pain to another, they typically either recognize it immediately and express regret, or they struggle to empathize with the person they've injured. This lack of empathy often stems from their own unresolved emotional wounds. Generally, emotionally healthy individuals don't intentionally hurt others, and if they do, they take steps to repair the damage and grow from the experience.

So what does this tell us about the value of blame? If we focus our energy on blaming someone for hurting us, we may find ourselves caught in an endless cycle, blaming the person who hurt them, and then the person who hurt that person, and so on. Blame, as it turns out, is a bottomless pit.

Instead of blame, what if we approached those who have harmed us through the lens of forgiveness? We often think of forgiveness as a two-step process: first, the wrongdoer asks for forgiveness, and then the injured party grants it. However, only the second step is actually necessary for our own healing. We always have the power to forgive, even if forgiveness hasn't been requested. The choice to forgive is always ours, and so are the benefits.

But doesn't forgiving leave us vulnerable to being hurt again? Not necessarily. By separating forgiveness from trust, we can choose to forgive (entirely for our own well-being) while also choosing whether or not to trust based on whether the other person has earned it. While trust is a two-way street, forgiveness is entirely in our own hands.

When we combine trust and forgiveness into a single concept, we often pay a price. We may find ourselves expending enormous energy processing our grief in an endless cycle of blame that we can't escape because the power rests with the person who hasn't yet asked for forgiveness. This can be exhausting, demoralizing, and endlessly painful.

By claiming autonomy over the forgiveness process, we can break this cycle. Then, with clear eyes and renewed energy, we can do the important work of setting new boundaries based on our level of trust in the person who harmed us.

Separating forgiveness from trust empowers us to heal on our own terms while making informed decisions about our relationships moving forward. We can escape the “blame” landscape and find ourselves resting in a place of autonomy and safety instead.